Le Amiche
Complex simplicity, that’s just the Patriarchy
Girlfriends. Much like shoes, handbags, cashmere maglie and Wolford calze. Some last forever, some sit in the closet a while before repairs. Others, we sing along to pop songs, about how we love to hate them after our insecurities leave us offended. We perpetuate division through competition and the boys make jokes while dominating women’s interest industries. Girlhood never occurred to me, womanhood took it’s time as well. My uni-mates and I were perhaps the last generation of creatives to climb ladders. Vogue was brutal, in the best of ways. The challenge to succede, to create art, we were groomed to respect one another in reverent fear. Vogue Italia couldn’t compare to the U.S. then, we could celebrate our cultural diversity, nessun bisogno di parlare ‘americano’ to justify we were on trend. As an only child, my girlfriends and a few amici, the boy friends, big brothers that remind me of my strengths and philosophies, are famiglia. Trusting vulnerability was loving unconditionally.
Shanya, Valeria, Samira, and Stephanie all taught me we could be ourselves while challenging antiquated beliefs. Theresa had me check my ego, I’ll never forget that day at Bar Milano when she asked me to stop talking only about myself. A lesson in empathy, a reminder of how to put another her first. Elena showed me possibility, compassion, and reasons to fall in love with Rimini. Livia taught me loyalty and what being a humbly proud strong woman is. Viviana and Aurora taught me to believe in me, despite the nasi in su, those opinions didn’t matter because we had ‘it’, that j’ai ne se qua, naturally from within. Signora Pavesi showed how wisdom was full of infinite possibility. Anna Dello Russo taught me the importance of being organised with my valigia as well as in life, and to laugh at others’ condemning opinions. Sissy Vian taught me about trust, determination and the importance of the team. Angela shows me how to enjoy even the tough days, in that Napoletana way. Eugenie still teaches me that there is glorious opportunity for compassion in discussing ugly truths and what being there for someone else actually means. Yacine defines what having a big sister for a best friend is, true sisterhood. Leda makes the best soundtracks and reminds me to keep an open mind. Alice is always there when you need her, she shows me the beauty in raw honesty. Lara reminds me to manifest especially on the dark days. Andrea K. embraces the designer soul in the me, showing me how to be passionate in softer ways. Sabrina reminds me ‘im-possible’ and the importance of protecting one’s energy. Carmen brings finance philosophy to her home cooked dinner table and always there to lend an ear. Jeannie offered wisdom and Monique. Monique brought back the poetry in me.
It was mostly mamma and my books for a long time. In catechismo I was more interested in competing with the boys than making girlfriends. One afternoon on the monkey bars, I pulled one of those little boy’s trousers down because he seemed to have gotten a pass for pulling my hair in class, “poverino non c’e la fa”, poor thing can’t help himself, said the suore. From little girls we’re taught to minimise our inequality as a badge of honour. Today he makes 30% more than me, just because, that’s how it goes. We tell ourselves, ’I’ll make sure his market shares soar so high, and with his wink of approval I’ll know he knows, he couldn’t do it without me’, and justify the status quo.
I grew up on bible stories and the idea that woman was made second, fine tuned to be the ying to his yang. Never was she the original sin, like the old oppressed radical conservative narrative that justified molesting him. God was in the equal partner balance, is what I was taught. One builds, one sustains, roles reversible, together making life grow, or so that’s how one thinks it should go. Mamma always said leaning not into one’s own understanding meant everyone had a right to their opinions but no one was so ‘better than’ to impose one singular view on another. Bullies were just poor insecure minds, negating responsibility for their internal crimes.
We women are built different. Biologically function differently, creators of life, in all the varying analogies. If curiosity breeds innovation, and growth is the only constant, than are we scientifically and spiritually more sure that creation, beyond products and services, is vital to sustainable circularities? Maybe she’d not care, about a sale or the exploitatively cheap Amazon “Sposa to be” tees, if she had the equal economic opportunity, to create a lifestyle fitting to her biology and psychology. The old man’s way would be the wisest strategy, for the other (hu)Man who, since patriarchal history, can trace His shame by way of blaming Her.
We do it to other women just like us too. Our bodies least studied, the shame and blame, perhaps too overwhelming for Signor Freud to have even cared to explain. I reckon easier to call us ‘insane’, rather than collaborate; to build, to last, and maintain. In turn we perpetuate the content that allows us to play ignorant da vecchio blame games. We still do just like the wiser women did back then, because the share holders, board members, directors and company owners are mostly all still men. We’ve mastered it, there can only be so many ‘Shes’ at one company. We read the gossip, laugh at ourselves subconsciously, over aperitivi of how we managed to do his job and ours, despite the opposing trajectories.
My cuban grandmother was the first, a betrayal so evil it doesn’t deserve more than this one sentence. Enrica later showed me how vicious insecurity can be, crushing another she, all for the sake of free fake designer jewelry. JJ and Anaïs demonstrated just how ugly we women can be. Even after a mutual friend’s sudden death, almost in vain they played ‘mean girls’, was more their cup of tea, I guess. Moni’s insensibility broke my boundaries in such a sorrowful way, still miss her some days. Elodie taught me vulnerability may solidify true amicizie, but a brother will always be more important than another she. Andrea C. has shown me what willpower looks like and how she could love me only conditionally in order to condone another woman’s apathy toward me. I thought we were all the same humanly, isn’t that what feminism means anyway. Equality for women, yes each and every one of we shes.
I wonder only if the little women of today are experiencing the same. Quickly slapped into reality when daily United States American life reveals how much more conservative the culture still is for women than gli italiani who vogliono far l’americano could explain, or is it more similar, just not translated the same. Sure people in New York City were walking down the street dressed off season in whatever, but if a woman was burning alive even the NYPD wouldn’t try and save her life. Will working together, collaboration, ever be more in demand? Instead of continuing to play the competition game, a proven loosing hand. Honest accountability and vulnerability, multifaceted, but very much practical to obtain.
Le mie amiche have always been at the core of my admiration. An only daughter who idolised her super mamma. I’ve had to learn to let go of the disappointment. Of who I needed them all to be for me. Selfish indeed, though subconsciously. After a best friend’s suicide, the lesson remains the same. There is no one or even only two ways to define friendship, it’s perplex. Rather one must accept, throughout life there will be various relational scripts. In knowing and being open, there’s a peace in that complex simplicity, a constant state of embracing each perspective flip.
GLOSSARY* (if you like pizza and pasta and fare la vacanza in italia, take holidays in italia, don’t appropriate, translate, lol)
maglie (pl): knits
calze (pl): tights
nessun bisogno di parlare ‘americano’: (with) no need to speak ‘american’ [ref: WWii propoganda, ‘speak american’]
amici (pl. m): boy friends
nasi in su: noses up (ref: in snobbery)
valigia (sing.): luggage
catechismo: catholic school
suore (pl): sisters (nuns)
sposa: bride
da vecchio: of the old ways
amicizie (pl.): friendships
vogliono far l’americano: those who want to do things the “american” way (ref: Renato Carosone song, ‘tu vuò fa l’americano’)
le amiche (pl.): girl friends